About Me/ I WAS DYING.

March 31st, 2010 late that evening..

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God! Owwwww! Ohhhh! Owwww! Ow! Ow! Please stop. I'm okay. I'm okay. Damn Morphine lid open faster! I need it now. I need the pain to stop. Gulp. Gulp. Maybe two Morphine pills will make this stop? Pain please stop. I just need to lay down on the bed, and it will just go away. Oh God! Oh God! My stomach, and lower abdomen hurts so so bad. I have never felt a pain like this. I'm okay. Oh God! I have to go to the bathroom  no no no.. this is not working.. Oh God! Something is pushing on my abdomen, and rectum.. Oh God! Breathe Crystal! Breathe Crystal! On my knees begging. God please. God what is happening to me? No, this can't be happening! NO! NO! NO! Get up off the floor Crystal! Oh God!.. Why is there a blender blade erupting inside my stomach? I'm literally being torn apart! Oh dear God!  I'm going to faint. I'm going to die. No. No. No. The Morphine is not working. Go to the toilet Crystal. Get off the toilet. If I could just lay down on the bed. Oww! That hurts too. If I could just lay on the bathroom floor. Nothings working. I'm scared. Oh God! Mom can you please take me to the hospital... something is heavy on my rectum? Oh God! Don't cry Crystal.

April 1st, 2010

 April Fool's Day (the next day)

Damn I made it? God why didn't you just take me? No. No. No. I wanted to die. What happened? The sun is streaming directly on me.. turn it off.. There's my Mom! Wait. Why is her head down, and she looks troubled? Wow there are so many wires a lot of wires, and tubes hooked to every part of me.  What happened to me? Mom please come, and hug me. "I can't," she says. Why? "Crystal there are tubes everywhere." I need a hug. I'm scared. I want to hold my Mom! What happened to me?  No hug for me. Of course no hug for me because there is nowhere to hug me, because wires, and tubes are everywhere.. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME? Why is no one answering this question?

What happened to me was, that I had my uterus taken out a few months prior, and the stitches were not completely healed. This allowed for air to come into my whole chest cavity, stomach, and abdomen. It is called a Vaginal Cuff Tear or aVaginal Dehiscence. Statiscally speaking from the medical point of view this should have never happened. I was dying. I needed emergency surgery. Coma induced state for at least three days. 25 staples lined up like a train track from the middle of my breast to about the top of my vagina. My new home for the next seven days is the hospital. Dazed, and confused most of the time I was there. I really couldn't comprehend much. Early on, I knew it would be a challenge to even move. It took at least 30 minutes to even to get up from a lying down position, and get my feet over, so I could attempt to walk.

There is an I.V. in my neck, an I.V. in both hands, a catheter in my vagina, oxygen in my nose,  two wires in my back where the pain medicine was coming from, something that look like airbags on both my legs, blood pressure cuff, and colorful wires all over my chest, and how could I forget the 25 staples in the middle of my stomach holding me together? I couldn't just escape with no memorial of what happened.  I am now deformed. Yes, deformed physically for life. My kids. No income. No job. I have now been shaken mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually... What happens now?

I feel I must tell you some things about me, so when you read my blog, you will know of the journeys I have been on. You will also get to see my state of mind, and where it is now, and eventually how I got where I am today. I will finish "About Me", in parts. It pains me to have to remember this, but I had to tell you, so you could "see" me. A lot of people ask is this what made me come to God, and the answer is no. God just took the lenses off the camera, so I could get the full picture.

With tears running down my face, and a broken heart to remember, please do not feel sorry for me, cause I am not sorry for me... a big beautiful hug from me to you, and a big pat on the back cause you are growing beyond belief..

Until next time.. God Bless.

Crystal